Kelly

just give up kelly. you're never going to fucking win.

bar tonight with wife...two, very strong double cranberry and vodkas...

so, in case you haven't heard already...i met someone new, someone who has totally turned my world upside down (in a good way). his name is tony. you're totally gonna think i'm crazy. we've only known each other for two weeks now, but it feels like we've known each other for like five-ten years already. it's one of those things where you meet someone and just click. we have such a strong connection. i can't explain it. i feel so much happier when i'm with him. i was totally dead to the idea of love...not so much anymore. he makes me feel. he's my butterflies.

call me insane. but you know what? my parents knew they were getting married a month after they met. they had their wedding six months later. it's possible.

the only thing with tony is this...he has a kid; a son, julius. it kinda scares me. i try not to bring him up. i haven't met him yet and i'm not rushing that. i'm afraid that i'll get attached and if things don't work out, it'll just make it harder.

tony and i aren't official yet or anything. there's stuff on his end that needs to be worked out. as much as i adore him, i'm still scared of getting hurt. i mean, i haven't felt this way since neil and i first started dating, which was like five years ago. i'm scared i won't measure up to the two other people he's had in his life that have meant so much to him. i want to be the one.

mcnish isn't too happy about all this, for some reason. it hurts.

i just want to be happy. and i am, for once. no drama. the only mutual friend we have is shaun, which is a little awkward, but not really. i like that. there's no conflict of interest with friends. good thing.

god i'm gone.

i'm just really happy with my life right now. i want it to last.

grow the fuck up.



and that's all i'm gonna say about it, because you're not worth my time or energy.

ok. here's the truth...

when i'm sick, i need to be taken care of. i can't stand being left alone. i need someone to bring me tea and chicken noodle soup and to lay in bed with me and watch movies. i need teddy bears and flowers and tissues and tons of tlc.

damnit, is that too fucking hard to ask? i mean, i would gladly do that for any single one of my friends.

it's times like these when i really wish i had a boyfriend to do those sort of things. i've been feeling really lonely lately and wishing i had someone. i know i can't force things (which is why i'm not actively pursuing anything). i've backed off of matty for the most part. even though i never intended to pursue things with erik, he's totally out of the picture. bryan is always in the back of my mind, but all my fears concerning him keep me from ever trying anything.

i just want something to happen. i need something to happen. most importantly, i'm sick and lonely and need someone to take care of me. step up to the fucking plate!

like an idiot, i just looked through my yearbook at what people wrote to me. i don't know why i did. i cry every time i read neil's and jorge's.

someone else's made me sad this time though. i miss him so much. i miss his smile and his laugh and his hugs and how he'd go to make a joke and if no one laughed right away, he'd get this nervous look on his face for a second and then laugh at himself (which always made me laugh). i miss the way we were in high school. we were practically inseperable senior year.

i remember, for his birthday that year...i got him an incubus t-shirt, poster and their new cd with some extra features thing. i remember wanting to get him something that he'd love. it was really important to me that i got him a great gift. i think that's when i realized i had to break up with ryan...

i screwed things up so bad. i should've done something. instead, i went for the guys that weren't so wonderful. i am such an idiot. and now i'm paying for it.

i want to call or something...and i probably should, but i'm afraid to. i sent him a message a couple months ago on myspace, telling him that i miss him, but he never responded. so i kinda figured he wanted nothing to do with me...like everyone else.

i try to let it go and not think about it, about him, but it's no use apparently. i find myself taking the "shortcut" on the way home from work, driving past his house, hoping he'll be outside so i can stop and say hello (it sounds stalkerish, i know...so shoot me). and he's the last person i think about before falling asleep at night. so, clearly i can't stop.

it upsets me to think that i might have had a chance if i just stopped worrying about ruining our friendship and spoke up about how i felt. even if things wouldn't work out that way, i'd still want my friend back.

i miss the purple hands.

=(

so, i'm sick. and i'm not talking about a cold or tummy ache. something is seriously wrong with me. i just don't know what it is yet and i'm kind of dreading all the doctors and tests.

it's something with my bladder or kidney or, even worse, the chick parts. the pain is tolerable for the most part. today has been a little rough though. i was feeling dizzy this morning. it was not good.

i'm pretty worried. i know i'm always joking, like the hypochondriac that i am, saying that i have cancer and i'm dying, but what if i really am? what if this turns out to be something really serious, something bad? what am i gonna do? i'm not strong enough to deal with something like that.

this may seem unrelated, but it's not...

you know how people say stuff like, "let me know if you need anything"? well, i have a hard time letting them know. i don't like to ask for help. tim said that to me (without even knowing that i might need him). and i want to be able to go to him (especially if i do turn out to be really sick). there's a lot i could want when it comes to tim. i'm just not sure it's our time yet. stupid rutgers football.

ok, so this is absolutely driving me crazy. there's this guy that i seriously cannot stop thinking about. i keep having dreams about him. i think about him at work (like now). even if i'm not thinking about him in terms of the way he looks or how he sounds or whatever, his name is still up there in my head. (if that makes any sense)

i can't make it stop!

the strange part is, we've never even been romantically involved or anything. i mean, i definitely had one of those "lust-at-first-sight" things when i met him, but we've always just been friends...nothing more. lately though, i find myself thinking that i might want more than a friendship.

i feel guilty for thinking this way though...like i'm not allowed to like him or pursue anything. so i try not to, but it doesn't seem to help.

grr...it makes me worry.

so, to mr. mind invader,

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

the following pictures are of a press release that i wrote for subaru on the 2008 forester receiving 5 stars (the highest possible rating) in frontal and side impact crash tests from the national highway and traffic safety administration, nhtsa. the release was posted (along with a picture of the 2008 forester) on 2 screens in times square for the duration of the day it was posted on prnewswire.

it's a pretty big deal for me.



day shot



night shot

why does everything have to be so confusing? why do i have to be one of those people who can never make up her mind? why can't i just know what i want and be where i'm supposed to be in life?

i mean, i have a general idea about things, but i can never seem to hone in on specifics. i know i want to do pr...but i also want to go to grad school for an mba. i want to stay with subaru, but at the same time, i feel like i might want to up and move somewhere completely different. and lately, after seeing all my friends happy in relationships, i want one of those too. but it seems my heart can't settle on the right guy.

i think my problem is that i constantly second guess myself. i start to think that i'm capable of something...going to grad school or having a relationship with a particular guy...but then i somehow twist my thoughts and emotions and end up having absolutely no faith in myself (or others, in some instances). i know i shouldn't and i should just stop thinking so much and just go with things and be open and all that other good stuff, but i can't for some reason.

erica told me last night, "maybe you need a guy that wants a relationship more than he wants sex." she's right. but that's not always so easy to detect and what if that's not enough? what if it's not enough that he wants to have a relationship? i need to feel something.

she also said, "it's probably one of those things where the right guy is closer than you know, it's just going to take some time to find him... or for him to find you." i gotta hand it to her, she's probably right here too...which i absolutely hate. i can't stand the state of inbetween. apparently i'm not the type to sit back and let the world happen. i prefer to be one of those making changes; doing something.

i seriously wish i was 30 already. that i know who i'm supposed to be with. know what i'm supposed to be doing with my life.

ugh.

i had two dreams last night. both left me feeling pretty shitty when i woke up.

one was about scott. the other was about shaun. in both dreams, they sucked me back in and spat me back out. prime example of my dreams imitating life.

last week, i had a dream about brown. he was a major asshole in it and when i woke up, i was in the absolute worst mood. everyone in my house the next morning was like, "what's wrong?!". it was that bad. god, i hate him.

these dreams really do not help ease my current fears of screwing up and getting hurt, yet again.

seriously?!?!?

did i really have to start caring? do i really need to get slightly jealous? is it absolutely necessary that i analyze every tiny little aspect of this situation?!

what is wrong with me?!?

there goes that god damn fucking wall again! i hate it! i trap myself in and freak out and back off and don't know what the hell to do.

why am i so scared? it's just a boy.

that's why kelly. because it's a boy. and boys steal hearts. and break them. it's like they have their own little heart-stealing-and-breaking club. oh, and don't forget the seduction. they throw that in there too. with their cute little one-liners..."i'm one of the good guys"...and their sexy smiles and they way they smell...oh good god! the way they smell!

ugh!

this wasn't supposed to turn into some sort of male bashing. i love guys...obviously. and that's my problem.

you have no idea of the self control i am practicing right now.

i swear i'm sick. something is seriously wrong with me. the sex drive...through the roof. that's not normal.

will power. lots and lots of will power.

is that even how you spell will power? go ahead, answer that one poo.

ugh!

i don't like me lately.

yadda yadda yadda yadda

yay yay yay yay yay

hehehehehehehehehe

=)

that is all.

i miss you so much. just thinking about you and how fucking stupid i was to not do anything makes me cry. i get so overwhelmed by it all that i just cry and cry and cry. and i can't stop thinking about it...about you. i don't know what to do.

:-(

it's kind of a weird feeling when you realize that the person who was your absolute world for such a long time is now completely dead to you...that you feel nothing for them outside of nostalgia and a thought such as, "it taught me a lot". it's not a bad feeling. it's actually quite liberating. still strange though.

it's also weird to think that the person you originally thought you were going to marry at one point in your life is now married to someone completely different and is expecting a child (on the same date you broke up with him, ironically enough). again, strange.

i'm going to hawaii next may. let me know if you would like to join me. i'm for serious.

my birthday is exactly one month away. i'm not looking forward to it. i have nothing planned. it's on a monday. i'll have to work. guaranteed, the few friends i have left will be too busy to celebrate anyway. i just really don't care anymore. i feel like there's no point to get excited after 21.

i'm really tired.

john hates me now cause i'm stupid.

devin's here. we're getting our nails done again tomorrow before i go to work. i really love her. she's so great and she's perfect for mark. and i've noticed a vast improvement in his behavior and the way he treats my mom and i since he's been with her. i just love it all.

see? really tired.

i think i wanna go to grad school, get an MBA. if i do though, i'm applying to ivy leagues. it'll put me closer to six figures. i'm looking at upenn and columbia. kinda scared about it though. it's no joke. but i want to be taken seriously and make something for myself. we'll see.

ok, i can barely keep my eyes open anymore so i'm gonna stop rambling. nighty night.

i don't like being sick. i feel so tired, so weak. i also don't like hospitals and iv's, and weird ultrasounds and wheelchairs. and i hate that everytime something serious like this happens, i end up with this scared/nervous laughing thing that i do. it makes me look like a freak and like i'm not in as much pain as i claim to be when, really, i am.

i just don't want to feel tired anymore.

i swear...you think you know someone, and then you find out these horrible things about them.

i don't see how telling me makes things any better, any easier. just like that other piece of information you shared...it's fucked me up. so thank you...i'm freaking out right now...a total mess.

oh, and the fact that i was the last one to find out...that makes it a whole lot better.

don't ask questions.

just go with it.

porque?

i loooooove my internship! i feel important there and i always have something to do and i have my own cubicle with a computer and a phone (with my own voicemail!) and i have a cool security badge and i get a whole hour for lunch and there's two breakrooms on each floor with coffee and there's a cafeteria and it's soooo awesome and i love it! oh, and i get to wear cute business clothes and look all professional-like. [not to mention, i'll be makin that paper]

oh! oh! oh!

so this may not sound like a big deal to most, but...

today, on my lunch break, i went and got a starbucks iced tea and then went to the mall and ate my yummy quiznos salad in the food court ALL BY MYSELF! and it wasn't too weird and i really wasn't all that self-conscious about how i looked eating it (even though i know pieces of lettuce were like hanging out of my mouth and i'm sure it didn't look all that attractive lol).

you may be thinking, "ok kelly, so what? you ate a salad by yourself." but seriously, it's a huge deal. i've always been one of those people who just can't do stuff like that alone...like eating out or going to the movies by herself. so, i am VERY proud of myself and you should be proud of me too.

i'm a big girl now! yay!!!

i found your card the other day...

"to the love of my life,

i would like to take this time to say happy birthday to you. also, i hope you see this card before you get shitty today. also, as you get older you become more and more beautiful each day and today you're looking pretty shawt.

<3"


what happened to that? more importantly, why does it bother me so much that it's gone?

so i've been thinking about this on and off all day...

i realized today that i wouldn't want someone to love me with all his heart. i don't want to be responsible for a whole freakin heart. i mean, that's not the only reason but come on...that's a lot of weight on one's shoulders.

i guess, more importantly, i wouldn't want someone to love me with all his heart because i shouldn't be his all. i don't want to be the single most important thing in a person's life. i don't want to be the reason someone wakes up in the morning. i don't want to be the sole cause of a man's happiness. to me, that's sad. it's depressing for me to think that one person is behind all of that.

aside from family and friends, i believe a man's heart should also belong to his dreams, his goals, his ambitions, his beliefs. let your faith be one of the most important things in your life. let your job, your career and the motivation to succeed in it be the reason you wake up in the morning. let the satisfaction of accomplishing what you've set out to do be the cause of your happiness. live your life for yourself and fill your heart with all those different aspects of it that make it what you want. and if, along the way, i somehow fit into that life you've set up for yourself and if you still have a piece of heart left for me, then that's wonderful; i'll give a piece of my heart to you. i will not give my whole heart (i know better now) but i will give what i have.

and that's how it should be.